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I am going to do it.  I am going to amputate my leg. Tonight.

I have a plan – I hope I can execute it properly.

I am going to arrange for an “accident”. I am going to take some safety precautions, but honestly all I am worried about at this point is if I don’t damage my leg ENOUGH, the doctor may not amputate it.

I know it is risky, but the risk doesn’t matter anymore.  I just need this leg gone.

If you don’t support my decision, I don’t care.  Don’t try to stop me. You can’t.  I scheduled this post to go up automatically, so by the time you read this, I have already done it.

Ugh, what a crazy couple of days it’s been. My parents now know about my BIID thanks to my wife. As I had said in my previous post, my wife didn’t take the news as well as I’d hoped and she made a post on Facebook about needing someone to talk to. My parents came across the post and gave her a call. I guess as soon as she answered the phone, she burst into tears and told them I want to cut off my leg. I think they thought she must have lost her mind, they couldn’t believe that I would say such a thing.

My mom told her not to worry, she would “get it straightened out” and called me right away. With my dad listening in on the other phone, they asked me what this was about. I broke down and told them that it is a condition called Body Integrity Identity Disorder, that I have felt like this for as long as I can remember, and that there are others out there that feel the same way.  My parents just kept asking why I would want to cut off my leg – I tried to keep calm but it was so frustrating that they were asking me the same questions over and over again. My mom eventually said that it sounds like the woman on The Doctors who poured bleach in her eyes to blind herself. I told her yes, that woman had BIID as well and my mom started to cry.

My dad was pretty quiet and stoic. He told me that I needed to get a handle on this, that it wasn’t fair to Sam and the kids that I was even considering doing something like this and I needed to get Sam back. Both he and my mom told me that I need to talk to Pastor Amy- that she will know what to do to make things right.

I feel so defeated. There is a small sense of relief that everything is now out in the open, that it’s done. The three people I most needed to know about this now do. But I wish their responses were a little bit more encouraging- I need at least a glimmer of hope that they will be able to accept me as I am- even if I have the amputation. I don’t know where to go from here.  I just feel angry.  I can’t believe things turned out this way. 

So I finally told my wife about my BIID last night, and it did not go well at all.

She’s known something was up for a while now, but I think she just assumed it had to do with my chronic anxiety, and sure that was part of it, but it’s my BIID that’s become the all-consuming aspect in my life.

Late last night before bed, I finally worked up the courage to confide in her, and I think a big reason behind that was the supportive comments on my blog and private messages that I’ve been getting from all of you. Of course, the last thing I’d do is blame any of you for my wife’s negative reaction, I know that it wasn’t in any of your predictions for how telling her would go.

It’s really hard right now for me to go into detail about how she responded; even though this blog is both anonymous and filled with (mostly) positive readers, I still feel an immense amount of shame and guilt as I’m typing this.

What I will say is, she was very hurt and confused. After I initially told her, we sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Then she asked me if there was anything that she had done to “bring this on”, which just goes to show she had no idea about what’s been going through my mind.

At first she seemed shocked and confused, and then I told her my complete story, including my desire for an amputation and pretending to be in a wheelchair. She became very angry and asked me “how could you do this to our family?”. Within an hour of telling her, she had taken our kids and left to go stay with her parents for a while until I can “sort this out”.

I really don’t want to go into any more detail on here; this is the lowest and most vulnerable point of life that I’ve ever been in, and the last thing I need right now is to read more hate comments. If any of you who’ve supported me have any more questions or concerns, feel free to reach out, you know how to find me.

and I’m still shaking from it.  Will write more later.

Hello everyone! I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ve been interested in posting more information and media coverage regarding BIID and transableism. However, most representations of transabled people in the media tends to be overly dramatized and negative.

From episodes of The Jerry Springer Show, The Doctors, and countless other talk shows, to YouTube videos, to other blogs and everything in between; almost every bit of media coverage regarding BIID that I have encountered has been extremely negative and at times even dehumanizing.

An example of these dramatizations can be seen with the story of a woman named Jewel, whose BIID caused her to blind herself with drain cleaner in order to successfully become blind, which was what her BIID was focused on. I’ve actually mentioned Jewel before on my blog, and her story has been covered in a YouTube video by Barcoft TV, and in an episode of The Doctors (part 1) (part 2) (part 3) which can be accessed on YouTube as well. In both of these programs, Jewel’s BIID story is introduced, but in The Doctors episode she is specifically portrayed as being delusional and out of her mind, and there is a complete disregard for her legitimate diagnosis and her own personal struggles with it.

Moreover, Jewel’s story is just one example of the repetitive misrepresentation of BIID and transableism in the media, and unfortunately there are countless others that I could mention as well.

Well, I’m still seeing the same psychologist that I mentioned in an earlier blog. Despite her not being familiar with BIID prior to seeing me, she has made efforts to educate herself on the issue. However, I’m not sure how beneficial my appointments with her even are anymore, and that has definitely been reflected in how often I book appointments with her now. I know in my previous blogs I mentioned that I had been going to weekly appointments with her, and now they’re definitely more scattered.

My appointments with her are more or less just a way for me to comfortably vent and express my thoughts and concerns to another person, which is something that I’m not able to do in my personal life. However, I don’t really feel like I make any progress when it comes to dealing with my BIID and the mentally-straining thoughts that come with it, which is the core reason behind my lack of consistent appointments.

I still have the Ativan prescription that my family doctor initially gave me, but honestly, I find it hard to stay consistent with taking my medication since it does nothing to directly benefit the side effects of my BIID.

Anyways, I’ll be sure to continue posting on here consistently in order to update anyone who finds comfort or solidarity in my struggles. I’m also thinking about posting more information and media coverage about BIID in order to better educate anyone who happens to stumble across my blog.

Yesterday I was finally able to use my wheelchair in public for the very first time! I went on another work trip, but this time it was only about four hours away so fortunately, I was able to drive there instead of taking a plane. As I’ve said before, whenever I fly for business I have to take my foldable crutches instead of my wheelchair, so the convenience of my own vehicle provided me with the ability to conceal my chair while I was leaving my own city.

All I can say is wow! I can’t express how amazing it was to feel like my identity was finally aligned with my physical self, even if it was only for a short period of time. I used my wheelchair all afternoon; however, I did encounter a couple of obstacles along the way, such as not being able to eat at the new trendy restaurant downtown due to its lack of accessibility for wheelchair users. Although this occurrence would normally be regarded as a barrier, I actually found it rather validating as a wannabe. Initially, this encounter was a bit frustrating, but then I realized that I should be embracing all of the effects and occurrences that come along with the disability that I long for due to my BIID.

I still have a full day left here on this business trip, and I’m really looking forward to experiencing more of the city while using my wheelchair!

Yesterday I was finally able to use my wheelchair in public for the very first time! I went on another work trip, but this time it was only about four hours away so fortunately, I was able to drive there instead of taking a plane. As I’ve said before, whenever I fly for business I have to take my foldable crutches instead of my wheelchair, so the convenience of my own vehicle provided me with the ability to conceal my chair while I was leaving my own city.

All I can say is wow! I can’t express how amazing it was to feel like my identity was finally aligned with my physical self, even if it was only for a short period of time. I used my wheelchair all afternoon; however, I did encounter a couple of obstacles along the way, such as not being able to eat at the new trendy restaurant downtown due to its lack of accessibility for wheelchair users. Although this occurrence would normally be regarded as a barrier, I actually found it rather validating as a wannabe. Initially, this encounter was a bit frustrating, but then I realized that I should be embracing all of the effects and occurrences that come along with the disability that I long for due to my BIID.

I still have a full day left here on this business trip, and I’m really looking forward to experiencing more of the city while using my wheelchair!

Hello everyone, I’ve noticed that there has been a recent spike in the number of people visiting my blog, so I guess it would make sense to just give you all some general updates regarding my BIID and life in general.

I have not yet been able to go through with any kind of amputation. I’ve still been doing a vast amount of research into an operation in Asia and looking into possible Gatekeepers who could make that happen. Also, I’ve been fantasizing about a DIY amputation on a daily basis, but at this point, the risks associated with a homemade amputation are far too serious for me to ‘go all the way,’ despite how tempting it may seem most of the time.

I still use traveling for work as a means to pretend with crutches, and I still go to towns a couple of hours away when I want to practice with my wheelchair. I have not yet been able to practice in my own city, but I would like to eventually get to a place where I’m comfortable using the wheelchair in public here, I’m just not sure when that day will come.

That’s really all that I can think of at the moment to update you on. From now on I’m really going to try and make an effort to post on the blog consistently given my newly-increased audience.